I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you made out with another girl for some wings
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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