I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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