all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
