i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
home. puking in laundry basket.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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