I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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