the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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