Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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