Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just gargled with NyQuil
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
