I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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