I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
