Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
