How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize