I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
