I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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