i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
