So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
