Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
