when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
