tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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