Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
