I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
