she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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