i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
