I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
