Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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