I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm having to shit out rocks
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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