What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
