filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
