I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
