I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
