My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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