Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
