I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
