I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
