Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
