Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
