Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
