We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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