she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
