I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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