Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
