im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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