JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
