someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
