if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
