I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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