new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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