it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
