ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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