he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
