You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
