The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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