I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
