Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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