My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
