there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
