Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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