Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
